Before I was able to take the actual steps that would let me leave academia, I spent a lot of time daydreaming. You know, of that perfect job I didn’t hate, of being able to ride off into the sunset of a different life.
What I really wanted was to not have to decide to leave academia. I wanted it to just happen, so that I didn’t have to take responsibility for making this hard decision, for explaining it to skeptical friends, for doing the work of figuring out how to translate my academic work to a non-academic audience, for moving us away from a town we loved that had no jobs to a city we didn’t love that had opportunities for us.
I wanted to skip all the parts I didn’t know how to do and move right into the better part. That included the emotional stuff — I wanted to skip right over the grief of leaving, the disorientation of reimagining myself, the having to meet new people.
And from this vantage point, years later, I have so much compassion for the me who was struggling through this. Of course I wanted to skip the hard parts. Of course I wanted to just fast-forward to the next bit. Why wouldn’t I?
But at the time, I alternated between wanting the magic wand and beating myself up for not just getting a grip and doing things already. As you can imagine, castigating myself didn’t actually make me any more likely to do anything.
What finally did get me moving was hitting my own personal breaking point, that moment when it felt easier to do anything, anything at all rather than stay where I was.
I know some of you are in this space now, the dreaming of other possibilities while being stuck with the actual practical steps. If you can avoid beating yourself up for this and instead accept that this is part of the process, even a necessary part of the process, it’ll be easier on you. You’ll hit the point when it’s easier to make change than to stay where you are, and when you do, you’ll make change.
I can’t promise it’ll be easy. But when that day hits, you’ll be shocked at how fast you can change your life.
Thank you. Exactly what I have been going through. Now how to take those steps…
Well, that is the tricky part! Sending good wishes for that part of the journey.
Julie, thanks for this post. What was your breaking point like? Was it an epiphany? A series of events followed by a realization? I’ve always wondered what gave people that final push to act.
Thank you for this, Julie. I’m beginning to take those first steps, and it’s so nice to hear a reminder to be kind to myself.
Serena, I’ve heard it happening all kinds of ways. For me, it was a growing unhappiness and despair, and one day I thought to myself, I don’t want to do this anymore. Then, of course, I had to slog through the “what else could I do,” “I’m not suited for anything else” quagmire, which was its own set of realizations.
I never had a breaking point, a clear before and after. Just a growing misery that I finally took seriously.
‘A growing misery’ sounds so familiar. I am there, and have been for 12 months – still stuck in the quagmire while my gut tells me firmly that academia is not for me. I wish I could stop feeling guilty for having got a prestigious fellowship and with it that expectation to continue to dizzy heights. Thanks for this site, it articulates everything I feel!
You’re welcome! Oh, that feeling of obligation because we’ve been successful at something is insidious. Stay with your gut!